an existential allowance

sitting in a cosy english antique shop
muffled over as a tea room
with a copy of the first proclamation of Thanksgiving next to our table
(November 24, 1623)
i watch the video (link below) i assembled of moments between Joke and myself on stage
over the past years
my wish is to share it with you
and i was mulling in my mind
what to say about it
i was mulling over this huge process
which flows along our days
along the stream of life
in the form of struggles, of fights
of moments of joy and laughter
of hesitation and doubt
of excitements and plans

and then, after some years together
i look over the hills and valleys of this journey
– just like our road through Sussex every now and then provided a grand view
of the many vales, nooks and crannies
of an intimate and detailed landscape –
and I try to capture the whole

looking back at my own journey as an improviser
that started on the edge of death
and through those first years, full of dead-end moments
intense anxieties
and tunnelling darknesses
I see how life grows itself in surprising ways

looking at her, Joke, beside me
trying to unravel the dramas of her feelings
and deciding i can never fully understand her depths
that i can only draw on a certain trust
or an abandone
or an existential allowance,
i look at the video again
and I just marvel a bit..

to improvise is to slip off the railings of our left-brained constructed culture
of our cosy abstractions
of our safetynets that only in our minds exist
in fact, it is a rebellion against the dominance of mind
an entrance upon a slippery slope that requires a
lot of precarious balancing
and i look at Joke
and i read a story along these lines
(even though she sometimes cries
that all her stories got lost..)

and I want to share these moments with you on video
in the hope that you can jump with her
and roll with me
and at the same time feel the vulnerability of us both
having only relation to rely on –
that holy dance of finding and losing each other
with the ever-evolving extruding feelers of the human heart

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