it bogs me from time to time, you know. in a performer’s life, there are so
many voices and so many ways that present itself as the secret of success,
and success for a performer is usually called fame. because if you are
famous, it means lots of people want to hear you. and lots of people means
lots of money and that means success. your positive bank balance is your
ticket to heaven, is it not?
in those terms, i am pretty slow at getting anywhere near success, if i’m
getting near at all. there are so many rules i do not follow (like to stick
to what you can do well), so many little things that i do not take care of
(like to shave every day). no wonder i panic sometimes: am i stuck in an
alley of obscurity for ever?
why is it? i think it is a certain blindness in my playing. when i play, i
go blind. i do not see a world of earnings and honour. i fall in love with
the notes i play. how stupid. yet i do, and all that is important then is
that a certain sound should sound eternally. and i want this sound to
travel, to all people, that is, all the people i play to. and if i think now
of where i played the last two weeks – in an old age home, in a dance club,
an art gallry, a hospital to a friend, under a tree with artists drawing me
and on a pavement with a car guard and his finger organ, i feel the sound
has traveled. i cannot say i feel a success. but i do not feel i need to
feel a success.
and fame? i think i’ll think about that later